... in which I kill time by the hour ...

Nov 19, 2014

THE TALE OF THE MALE SEX CELL

Every teacher should joke around with their kids. Even on exams. Awesome way to build a rapport.
So, I've decided to make my blog-comeback with ... this thing. One day, I shall upload my feelz and other stuff here as well. But for now, I present this :D

~ The following piece of creative writing was inspired by a mistake made by one of my kangaroos on her Bio exam - and the playful comment I wrote about it (see picture).
Sharing the picture with my delightfully nerdy cousins led to a bloody awesome viber "chat" that culminated in the following story. We do not apologise for this monstrosity, should you choose to read it. ~

WARNING: This contains purely biological names of human reproductive organs, but if you think that is NSFW... :P


"The Tale of the Male Sex Cell"

Neji: Once upon a time, in a sac far far away......

Me: A special gamete of incredible genes and a tail of enviable length sprung into existence...

Sabi: He knew he was no ordinary creature. He was special. Just like the millions and millions of his brothers and sisters, he was special.

Neji: There was already talk amongst the others. He would be the one...
~A few days later~
It was time. The new recruits were chosen to travel up the urěthra and make it to the mysterious ùterùs.

Me: He feels a strange sense of excitement as they begin to move. He looks back and realises it is the emotional manifestation of his glorious tail beginning to move and whip for the first time.

Neji: Acrosome at the ready, mitochondrion packed, they begin the long arduous journey.

Me: They pick up speed, competition already high as they weave and loop their way through the vas deferens and finally the urethra. The exhilaration is unbelievable as he finally catches a glimpse of the end ... The Slit.

Neji: It's so close he can almost taste it. He'd make it! He pushes himself forward refusing to slow down. Finally. He bursts through. There is nothing quite like the feeling. He feels liberated. He then steels himself. The real journey begins now.

Me: It is a slow crawl uphill, up the jagged walls of the vagina. He keeps up tirelessly, determined to outdo his brothers and sisters. It will be he, and none other, to first burst through that tight ring of muscle - his peers had called it the cervix - through to the magnificent uterus!

Neji: There are already a number of casualties among his brethren. Their little bodies not quite able to withstand the acidic secretions. He sees his brother next to him start to degenerate. He hears the final words uttered by him.. 'You will be the one. Just.. Keep.. swimming'

Me: His acrosomal heart aches for them. But this, he realises, is only a pre-conceived parody of the competition of Real Life. The survival of the fittest. Natural selection. So many of his brethren are already losing. With a silent prayer for their secret genetics that will never be conceived into the world outside, he drives on with grim determination up the uterus wall.

Neji: They are soon confronted with the Fallopian tubes. Only about 10,000 of his brethren remain. Now they must make the ultimate decision: which Fallopian tube hides the egg? The choice they make seals their fate..

Me: There is nothing for it. Just a game of chance. 50-50. A fraction of a second of hesitance ... And then he plunges headlong into the right tube. Only God knows for now whether he, the special one, has made the decision worthy of his reputation...

Neji: Acrosomal heart pounding, he makes his way through the tract, fervently hoping he has made the right decision. He has made it to the front lines of the squad, being one of the first ones to have made the turn towards the right tube. He then sees it, slowly making its way down the Fallopian tube with grace he would never have thought possible. He swears he hears the chorus of a thousand angels. She is here... The egg.

Me: So graceful was she ... Such an elegant picture did she make, gently rolling along towards them, caressed reverently by the cilia like the queen she is. She is big, just like he has been told she would be. But he had not imagined such majesty, such wonder. She seems to radiate a light as she tumbles almost shyly towards them. It is then that he becomes aware of the rest of his surviving brethren stampeding forward. Oh no, he is falling behind!

Neji: He wills his tail to propel him forward with more energy. She was being swarmed by his brethren as they release their enzymes, stripping her of her protective layers. This is playing to his favor as some of his brethren sacrifice themselves, not being strong enough to latch on after releasing their enzymes. He scoffs at their naivety as he propels himself forward. With a burst of energy he makes one final propel towards her..

Me: And then he reaches her, unceremoniously slapping his tail at one of his brothers to claim a spot for himself. He latches on, desperately letting loose his store of enzymes. Surely the queen he is courting will understand, will understand that he is The One. She must sense he is special, that there can be no other for her... With overlapping confidence and anxiety that kept his acrosomal heart racing, he presses forward, seeking entrance into her depths... 

Only, there is a sudden barrier; she is refusing him entrance. Why is he being denied, his enzymes are working perfectly - a sudden cheer goes up from his right and his acrosomal heart goes still. Sudden, awful, numbing realisation dawns on him...

Neji: He refuses to believe what he is seeing. He slowly makes his way around her, the cheers becoming deafening as he comes closer. He sees a familiar detached tail. He feels sick to his stomach. He is overcome with a loathsome anger as he realises who it is. No. Not him. Anyone but him. F**king Steve.

Donbz: His journey was meaning less. Being denied by all that grace, all that glory crushed his spirits.

Me: And by Steve, no less! The brother he pushed away with his tail earlier, he realizes with a sinking heart. Why did Steve succeed where he has failed? Why did she accept that undeserving latecomer, who is not one notch even worthy of her incredibleness? It is too late, however. He has failed. 

Acrosomal heart breaking, he leans forward to give her, his queen, one last caress – only to be suddenly pushed away. The rest of his brethren are forced back as well. And he realizes bitterly that it has happened … she, his one and only, has … fertilised … with effin STEVE.

And now his time is up as well. He can feel his acrosomal heart failing, his body – once so full of vigour – beginning to degenerate. To the very last, he keeps his attention on her, wanting her glory and beauty to be the last thing of his consciousness before he joins the rest of his dead brethren.

And so ends The Tale of the Male Sex Cell, the one who was ALMOST special.

- The End - 


ALTERNATIVE ENDING - continues right after Steve the douche beats the Special male sex cell to the egg xD

Donbz: But wait, in the distance he heard the sound of someone else rolling. Could it be? Is it possible ? Is this really happening? He couldn't believe his eyes. In the distance, as sure as the sun rising from the east, another egg is tumbling down the lane. The day was not over for him. He once again felt that tug pulling him towards the sister egg. He put all his will and spirits and swam towards her.

Sabi: His heart thumping, he could hear the swish of his brothers' tails behind him. They've spotted her, too!

Neji: He propelled forward, but not fast enough. It was all over in a blur. No. No no. NOT JOE. GODDAMMIT

THE END.


PS: (Alternate title: THE FAULT IN OUR TAILS)

So ... yeah ^.^;